Thursday, December 21, 2006


"A wife's mind should be to console her husband's mind. "
"She is to do something in the way of making you feel good to go out tomorrow to work. Otherwise, man is outside looking for peace of mind."
"No man wants a woman home arguing with him. "
"Be civilized in asking and telling. "
"Woman must always submit and recognize man as the head."
"The worst hell is an icy spirit between husband and wife in a home where there is no peace, no love. "
"As long as she followed this Divine Law, everything she laid her hands to, He made it prosper"
Words of Messenger Elijah Muhammad
The burdens of life weigh heavily upon the shoulders of men since they are responsible for maintaining and supporting their families. In fulfilling this responsibility, the man of the household must confront many problems and obstacles outside of the home. Some of these problems may be the pressures of work, the hassles of traffic and commuting from work to home, concerns over the issues of the day, and the pressures of trying to improve the living conditions of his family. The amount of pressure upon a responsible man is enormous. It is no wonder that the average lifespan of a man is less than the woman.
In order for the husband to be able to cope with the burdens of life it is necessary to have someone to listen to and sympathize with him. He may feel alone and in need of finding refuge and comfort amidst these pressures. It is natural that the man looks towards his wife and family as a source of comfort and relief. Therefore, anticipate his expectations and needs. Be cordial and warm when he first returns home after working and have refreshments or let him feel that you are at his disposal to care for his needs. Try not to overwhelm him with criticizing him the minute you see him. Let him rest and recover his strength before putting up the demands of the family's personal issues.
When your husband comes home, have a smile and a warm greeting for him. Attend to his physical needs of fatigue, hunger, and thirst. Then ask him about his problems. If he is willing to talk, be a good listener and sympathize with him. Try to express your genuine concern and then help him realize that the problems are not as impossible and huge as might think. Give him encouragements of support to help him cope with the issues. You can say something like this: These problems are being faced by many people. With a strong will-power and patience, it is possible to overcome the difficulties as long as one does not let the problems get the better of you. These problems, as a matter of fact, are tests as well as builders of the true character of a person. Do not despair. You can solve them through determination and perseverance.
At times of difficulty, your husband is in need of your attention and love. You should come to his aid and nurse him. Do not underestimate your ability to soothe and strengthen him. There is no one more devoted and concerned over your husband's well-being other than yourself. He would be able to draw strength from your devotions to him and cope with his problems which will relieve his emotional and mental pressures. Consequently, the mutual bond of respect and love would also be greater which can only lead towards strengthening your marital relationship.
Your husband, like everyone else, enjoys being appreciated. He is willing to support his family and regards it as a moral and lawful obligation. When he is thanked and appreciated for doing his duty, those duties no longer seem to be a burden.
Whenever he buys home appliances or something like clothes and shoes for you and the children, be happy and thank him. Show your gratitude for the trivial things he does such as buying groceries, taking the family on trips and gives you your allowance. By showing your appreciation, you will make your husband feel good and rewarded for the trouble he has taken. Be careful that you do not take his duties for granted and become indifferent towards his contributions to the family. He may become disheartened about the welfare of the family. He may prefer to spend his money elsewhere or on himself.
If a friend or relative presented you with a pair of stockings or a bunch of flowers, you would thank them repeatedly. So it is only natural and fair to show appreciation to your husband for his consideration and thoughtfulness. Do not think that you would be belittling yourself by demonstrating your appreciation. On the contrary, you would be loved and cared for more because you appreciate the efforts of your husband whereas snobbism and selfishness can only lead towards great misfortunes.
A husband and a wife need to be able to forgive each other. If the members of a family are unforgiving and pursue each other's mistakes, then either the family will separate or they will experience an unbearable life.
Your husband probably makes mistakes. He may insult you, abuse you, tell lies, he might even hit you. Such acts might be committed by any man. If your husband, after making a mistake, regrets it or you feel he is regretful himself for his misconduct, then forgive him and do not pursue the matter. If he is regretful but not prepared to express his apologies, then do not try to prove his mistake. Otherwise, he might feel humiliated and he may retaliate by picking out your mistakes and consequently start a on-going battle of unforgiveness. So it is better for you to remain silent until he condemns himself from his conscience and starts to feel remorse about it. He would then regard you as wise and devoted wife who is interested in her husband and family.
Your husband is in contact with many people during the day while away from home. Some may be impolite and insulting to him. As his wife, he expects you to show respect and encouragement at home and thereby boost his trampled ego. When he comes home, greet him with a smile and a happy expression.
To honor and respect your husband does not belittle you, but it provides energy and inclination to struggle to make a better life. Be courteous and polite when you are talking to him and do not shout at him. Do not interrupt him when he is talking. Praise him in front of others. Make your children respect him and chastise them if they are discourteous towards him. Be respectful of him in front of guests and be attentive to his needs, as well as the guests. This small act of happiness has such an effect that it refreshes the man's tired spirits.
Be careful not to humiliate him, do not talk to him harshly, do not abuse him, do not be inattentive to him, and do not call him by any obscene titles. If you offend him, he, in turn, will insult you. Eventually, the spirit of love and trust will erode. Consequently, you will have constant quarrels and arguments which may lead to a divorce.
It is customary with most women that whenever they go to a party or a gathering, they wear their best dresses and adorn themselves with the best. However, upon returning home, they take their dresses off and put on an old and shabby dress. These women are not particular about cleanliness at home and do not beautify themselves. They walk around the house with disheveled hair, stained clothes, and torn socks. In fact, the situation must almost be reverse, that is, a woman should adorn herself at home and charm her husband in order to conquer his heart and in order not to leave any gap for other women to fill.
Winning the heart of a man, especially for a long time, is not easy. Do not think: "He loves me. I don't need to look beautiful for him or try to win his heart or entice him." You must always maintain his love towards yourself. Be sure that your husband would enjoy having a tidy beautiful, and clean wife, even though he may not express it. If you do not satisfy his inner desires and do not dress attractively at home, he may see beautiful and attractive women out of the house. He may then become disheartened in you and might deviate from the right path. When he sees attractive women, he compares you with them. If you are an untidy, careless, and disheveled woman, do you think he will be attracted to you? So try to look attractive at home and be sure that he will not lose interest in you.
Do not think of any men except your husband and find peace with him. If you do otherwise you will place yourself in a strained condition. Now that you have agreed to live with your husband, why should you be constantly noticing other man? Why should you compare him with others? What do you achieve by looking at other men except putting yourself in a permanently miserable state and cause mental anguish for yourself? Do not make compliments for other men. Do not think of any man other than your husband. Do not think to yourself: "I wish I had married so and so;" "I wish my husband looked like...;" "I wish my husband's job was...;" "I wish...," "I wish..." "I wish..." Why should you imprison yourself with these thoughts? Why should you upset the foundations of your marriage? If any of those wishes had come true, how would you know that you would have been more satisfied? Are you sure that the wives of those so-called "faultless" men are satisfied with them? If your husband suspects that you show interest in other men, he would be disheartened and would lose interest in you. You must not cut jokes with other men or keep company with them. Men are so sensitive that they cannot even tolerate their wives to show an interest in a picture of another man.
One of the problems of family life is the one cause between the wife and her husband's relatives. Some women do not have a good relationship with their husband's mother, sisters, or brothers. On the one hand the wife may try to dominate her husband so that he would not be able to pay any attention even to his mother, or any other relatives and she may try to sow discord between them. On the other hand, her mother-in-law regards herself as the owner of her son and daughter-in-law. The mother tries hard to hold on to her son and is watchful that the new woman does not try to possess him fully. She may fabricate lies about her daughter-in-law or find fault in her. Such an attitude might be followed by many arguments and even occasional hostilities. The situation becomes even worse if they all live in the same house. Even though a problem may occur between two women, the real anguish and distress remains with the man in the middle.
The husband is trapped in an argument where he cannot take sides. On the one hand is his wife who would like to have an independent life without any interference from outsiders. He naturally feels that he must support her and make her happy. But on the other hand, he thinks of his parents who have helped him with his life, education, and have spent their own lives in bringing him up. He feels that his parents expect him to help them in their times of need and that it would not be fair to abandon them. Besides, if he himself was in need of something, who else, other than his parents, would help him and his family. As a result, he realizes that his best and most trustworthy friends are his parents and relatives. So, the dilemma for a sensible man is either to choose the wife and abandon the parents or vice versa; but neither of these is possible.
Consequently, he has to cope with both sides and keep them satisfied which, itself, is a difficult task. The only possible way to ease the situation is that the wife should be loyal and wise. A man in this situation expects his wife to help solve the problem.
If the wife respects her mother-in-law, seeks advice from her, and becomes obedient and friendly with her, then the mother-in-law will be her greatest supporter .
For the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well as to find many good friends and supporters, put up with your husband's relatives. Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted by both Allah and the people.
It is the hope of every man and woman to find a spouse who is perfect but such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards her husband as perfect.
Those women who are in search of faults in their husbands will undoubtedly find them. They would find a trivial shortcoming and exaggerate it by harping on the matter to the point that it becomes an unbearable impediment. This defect then replaces all the merits of the husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards do not fit in their husbands. Therefore, they are always complaining about the shortcomings in their marriage. The women regard themselves as unfortunates and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women.
What does such behaviour in a woman do to her husband? He may be a very patient person who can tolerate he rudeness but most likely he will become insulted and develop a grudge against her. This would likely lead towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each other. They will both become contemptuous of each other and their life will turn into a series of arguments. Thus, they will either live in misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose, especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove otherwise.
Your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not set out to find his weaknesses. Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be satisfied with his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself.
Be wise? Stop being frivolous! Ignore the faults and do not mention them in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah. However, there may be flaws in your husband's character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience. You must not criticize him, but approach him in a friendly manner.
The task of a wife is to maintain and take care of a husband. It is not an easy undertaking. Those women who are unaware of this feature of their role, may find difficulty in fulfilling the task. It is a job for the woman who is aware that the job requires a degree of sagacity, style, and ingenuity. For a woman to be a successful wife, she should win over her husband's heart and be a source of comfort to him. She should encourage him to do good deeds while dissuading him from bad ones. She should also provide adequate measures to maintain his health and well-being. The results of her efforts are directed towards making the man into a kind and respected husband who would be a proper guardian for his family, and a good father from whom the children would seek guidance and respect. Allah, the All-Knowing has endowed woman with extraordinary power. The prosperity and happiness as well as the misery of the family are in her hands.
It is not wrong if a woman is watchful of her husband, but only if it does not exceed to a state of suspicion and mistrust.
A woman of suspicion imagines that her husband is, disloyal to her. She suspects him of having an affair with another woman. She loses trust in him because he comes home late or he was seen talking to a woman. If he helps a widow and her children, the wife may think that he has an interest in her, other than a charitable one. If any woman gives her husband a compliment, saying that he is handsome or well-mannered, she concludes that he is interested in that woman. Upon finding a strand of hair in his car, she thinks there is another woman in his life.
Such women with these thoughts and inconclusive proof gradually assume certainty regarding their husbands' unfaithfulness. They think about it every day and night. They also tell others, friends and foes about it, who, in the name of sympathy, reinforce the allegations and in turn tell the concerned women about other unfaithful men.
Arguments result. Then the woman begins to ignore the affairs of the house and the children and might even go to her parents. She would monitor him and search his pockets. She would read his letters and would explain any trivial matter as due to his unfaithfulness.
With this attitude, she would make the family's life hard and turn the house into a burning hell in which she would also suffer. If her husband brought proof of his innocence, or swore that he had not been committing any thing wrong, she would not be satisfied. The family atmosphere changes into an environment of pessimism, suspicion, and constant arguing. The children would suffer and the mental effects are grave.
Wise and experienced men know both their friends and their foes. However, there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would easily be influenced by others.
There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men. The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doer, traps the man and draws him towards corruption. The simple man may not realize his situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in a trap from which there is not any escape.
If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people. Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness, they are now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.
On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. A wise and watchful wife would would monitor her husband's activities and watch his associates indirectly without his knowledge, remembering not to directly interfere with the affairs of her husband, or to tell them the "do's" and the "don'ts". The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply.
Some men, some times, come back home later than usual. If this is the case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work. However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then his wife should make an effort to investigate. But investigation is not easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest. The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly. She should ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been. She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and on different occasions. If she finds out that he comes back home late because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings, then she should leave him alone. If she feels that he has found a new friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry. It is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship, because a good friend is a great blessing.
If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately. A woman in this situation has a great responsibility. The slightest mishandling of the situation, through carelessness. may shatter their family life. This is a situation where the wisdom and cleverness of some women can become useful and apparent. One should remember that arguments are not the solution and they may result in the exact opposite. A woman, who experiences this event, has two tasks to achieve:
First she should assess the situation at home; and should examine herself and her attitude. She must find out the reason for her husband's behavior. She should fairly judge why he has grown cold towards his family and gone astray. She may find that her own attitude had been the cause; or perhaps she had been indifferent to his desires for food, her looks or the affairs of the house. Such matters draw men away from home. They may then pursue outside deviant activities in order to forget their problems.
Secondly, she should show him as much kindness as possible. She should advise him and remind him of the grim consequences of his deeds. She should even cry and beg him to give up his bad companions. She must say to him: "I love you from the bottom of my heart. I am proud of you. I prefer you to all things and I am ready to devote myself to you. But I am saddened by one thing; why should a man, like you, have these kinds of friends; or attend that kind of a party? Such deeds are not suitable for you. Please give them up". The wife must continue this attitude until she conquers the heart of her husband. It is possible that the husband is used to unworthy habits and that he would not be influenced easily, but the wife should not become disappointed. She should pursue her goal with greater strength and patience.
Women have great power and influence over men. She is able to do whatever she wills if she puts her mind to it. If a woman decides to help save her husband from the filth of corruption, she can do it, provided she acts wisely.
Much Much More To Come